I’ve been in the mood to make tiki drinks lately. The cups are fun, the garnishes are fun, and I really need to up my rum consumption (I’ve been getting way too comfortable with whiskey and the truth is I’m a total rum dummy). But when I think of tiki drinks, I think pineapple juice. And that’s a problem because when I eat pineapple or have a drink with pineapple juice, the skin inside of my mouth literally burns off! It’s super weird and uncomfortable (though not entirely uncommon) and my theory is that my more extreme reaction probably has something to do with me being super pale and not able to to tolerate anything even remotely tropical; I also have a weird mango allergy, and while I realize it’s the source of all life on earth, the sun can go suck a dick. Anyway, I wasn’t going to let some stupid fruit hold me back from tiki time on a random Thursday afternoon at home alone, so I made a super easy tiki drink with no pineapple.
This pineapple-free drink still has all the tiki vibes, thanks to three kinds of fresh-squeezed citrus juice, fancy-ass rum, and some bitters you might already have on your home bar: Campari and Angostura Aromatic. And while my pineapple intolerance kept me from buying and wasting a whole fruit, it certainly did not stop me from plucking a single frond off of a grocery store pineapple and sliding it into my purse — hence the name the Furious Frond Burglar (the “furious” part is due to the fact that tiki mugs always look really fucking pissed, even though mine is just a pretty little piece of pottery).
The Furious Frond Burglar
2 ounces rum (I used Diplomático)
2 ounces fresh-squeezed grapefruit juice
2 ounces fresh-squeezed orange juice
1 ounce fresh-squeezed lime juice
¾ ounce simple syrup
½ ounce Campari
1 generous dash Angostura Aromatic bitters
Add all the ingredients to a cocktail shaker or wide-mouth mason jar with a handful of ice. Shake the shit out of it and strain into a tiki mug filled ⅓ of the way with crushed ice. Garnish with an orange wheel and pineapple frond (if you dare). Enjoy!
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