If one more person tells me they can’t do anything creative, I’m going to lose my shit. Because you know what? With some pretty washi tape and scissors, you can make these beautiful Easter eggs. Anyone can make these eggs. Like, you don’t even need to be able to cut in a straight line, because tape isn’t wide.
Seriously, guys. These eggs are ridiculously simple and they look like something you’d pay $26 a piece for at fucking Anthropologie and then lie to your husband and tell him you made them or got them at Dollar Tree. Except this time you really are going to make them. Twelve of them for less than $10! (Then you can go buy something else at Anthropologie with all that money you saved. Maybe this $85 egg holder? After all, you’re going to need a way to display your thrifty DIY.)
Have I mentioned how easy these are? I mean, I honestly can’t even believe I’m typing out multiple paragraphs of instructions — for adults — on how to put tape on a fucking hard-boiled egg, but here I go.
Washi Tape Easter Eggs
1. Buy the trash eggs for $1.09 a dozen (because you have absolutely no plans to eat them* unless you want to sulfur fart for a week), an egg dyeing kit for $1.99 and a few rolls of washi tape, and maybe some glitter tape if you’re feeling fancy, for $2 to $3 each.
2. Hard-boil those eggs — only so they don’t break and they’ll take longer to stink (I think. I could be wrong about this stink part because now that I think about it, hard boiled eggs are pretty stinky. Anyway….). If you mess them up, that’s cool. Like I said, you’re not going to eat them.
3. Once the eggs have cooled, dye them. Here’s a creative tip: If you dye all of the eggs similar shades they’re going to look fancier, but really, dye them however the fuck you want. Or don’t dye them. But if you do, the longer you leave an egg in the dye, the more intense the color, so you could leave some in for two minutes, some for five — you get the drift.
4. Once the dye is completely dry, cut up some washi tape and put it on those eggs. If you mess it up, take it off. Washi tape can’t even hold fucking wrapping paper in place so you better believe it comes off of an egg pretty easily. Here’s another creative tip: If you get a few different kinds of washi tape in similar color palettes, like these different gold tapes I used, and then put them on your monochromatic-dyed eggs, they’re going to look rich as shit. In fact, here’s a cool set that’s already put together and really strips this project of any need for creativity.
You can do this, you rainbow-infused space shark. I believe in you!
*Did you guys eat your Easter eggs when you were kids? We totally did, and looking back, that’s pretty gross. Though maybe we only dyed them the day before Easter? I can’t even remember. I like to keep my holiday displays up for a few weeks, so these are going to be more like biohazards than foodstuffs. Of course, if you want to make them right before Easter and use cage-free, farm-fresh eggs, that’s even better.
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You’d think that as a person who loves holidays almost as much as I love drinking, I’d be all over the major drinking holidays. But it’s just the opposite. I refuse to leave my house on both New Year’s Eve and St. Patrick’s Day, and as far as I’m concerned, the latter is just an excuse for Americans to get shit faced, barf in the street and swap vom-flavored spit with horny dudes wearing “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” t-shirts. But I know I’m in the minority here, so I made a cocktail for you. I mean, I didn’t create it; I have to be excited about a holiday to actually take the time come up with an original themed drink. Still, finding a decent fucking cocktail to celebrate a day synonymous with green beer isn’t exactly easy.
Sadly, when you google “Irish cocktails,” the first hits include Irish Car Bomb, Baby Guinness, Orgasm, Quick Fuck, and the Slippery Nipple. But those aren’t really Irish cocktails. That’s the menu for a shitty Irish pub opened by three frat guys from Florida. A search for “St. Patrick’s Day cocktails” turns up similarly disgusting results, including Shamrock Juice — which is gin AND tequila AND rum AND vodka AND Blue Curaco plus some orange juice. While I’m impressed that someone could put together a green drink without any food coloring or Sour Apple Pucker, that sure sounds like something you should throw back if you want to pass out face-first into a pile of your own turquoise vomit.
Whilst googling, however, I remembered that a few years ago, the fine folks at Jameson sent me a recipe for a fantastic St. Patrick’s Day cocktail. In addition to Jameson, the South Side Smash is mixed with Fernet Branca, lime juice, and simple syrup. It’s strong, sweet, and a little tart—overall, a wonderful and festive way to begin (or end) a more grown-up St. Patrick’s Day. And since it’s garnished with mint, you’ll have a green drink in your hand that, unlike green beer, won’t turn your shit green. Plus, it kind of looks like an adorable pot of gold, so how’s that for fucking festive?
Jameson recommends using its Black Barrel Irish Whiskey for this one, but I used the regular stuff and it was great.
Sláinte! And enjoy your hangovers, suckers!
The South Side Smash
1½ ounces Jameson Irish Whiskey
½ ounce Fernet Branca
¾ ounce fresh-squeezed lime juice
1 ounce simple syrup
6-8 fresh mint leaves
Mint sprig for garnish
Combine the whiskey, Fernet, lime juice, and simple syrup, along with the loose mint leaves, in a cocktail shaker with a handful of ice and shake vigorously (you want to bruise the mint leaves to release some of the oils). Strain into an ice-filled rocks or half-pint glass. Garnish with a mint sprig and enjoy.
NOTE: Jameson didn’t pay me or even provide me any booze to write this, but they did take me on a pretty sweet trip to Ireland for a real St. Patrick’s Day experience a few years ago. So when it comes to whiskey for St. Patrick’s Day, they’ll always be my number-one boo.
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