Paper Crafts + Boozy Drafts: Easter Egg Edition

posted in: Crafts + Cocktails, Easter, Events | 0

easter egg craft event kansas cityGet your hot glue guns ready (kidding, I’ll bring them) for my next craft event in Kansas City. Paper Crafts + Boozy Drafts (the hoppy, malty version of Crafts + Cocktails) is coming back to Boulevard Brewing Company‘s new Tours & Rec Center on Wednesday, March 28. And if you can’t tell from the picture, this time we’re dyeing and decorating Easter eggs! Once again, I’ll come up with a boozy beer cocktail you can enjoy while crafting.

Unlike last year’s Easter egg event (which was wonderful, and it was my very first event for this nasty little baby blog) Boulevard is going to take care of dyeing the eggs. Seriously you guys, the night before that last one was a total fucking shit show. And my house and car smelled like literal shit (well, sulfur, anyway) for days. I had to hard boil 420 eggs AT MY FUCKING HOUSE and then load them into the car the night before. And you know how many eggs you have to boil in bulk to get 420 that aren’t cracked? About 600. SIX HUNDRED FUCKING EGGS. Luckily, I got smart at the end and used my sous vide and behemoth stock pot, but holy fuck that was horrible.

Like last year, the tickets are a mere $25 — and include a half dozen hard-boiled eggs, all the sparkly washi tape and pastel poms your lovely little hands can handle, an egg-white beer cocktail (developed by yours truly, of course), and an additional beer. Want to dye more than six eggs? Bring ’em! We’ll have plenty of supplies.

Here are some eggs I made last year that you can totally copy and I won’t even get pissed.

creative easter egg decoration washi tape easter egg event kansas city easter egg event kansas city easter egg event kansas city If you’re in Kansas City, I really hope you’ll join me for this super fun Easter egg and cocktail event!

MARCH 28 PAPER CRAFTS + BOOZY DRAFTS TICKETS

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Free Download: March 2018 Calendar

free printable march 2018 calendarOh, hi. I can’t even believe it, but there are a few (a couple?) days left in February and I somehow managed to get your free printable March 2018 calendar done! And contrary to what you might expect from someone as festive as I, this calendar isn’t all shamrocks and leprechauns. In fact, you won’t find any of that shit on it (unless you include the little clover I put in the March 17 box). That’s because there’s more to the third month of the year than corned beef and green beer. But honestly, it’s mostly because I kind of hate St. Patrick’s Day. As I said in one of my very first posts on this here blog, it’s just a “holiday” Americans use as an excuse to get shit faced, barf in the street, and swap vom-flavored spit with horny dudes wearing “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” t-shirts. And you know I’m all for getting drunk and making out, but I prefer to do it in the comfort of my own home and avoid the vomit, crowds, and drunk drivers.

No, instead of all that fucking festivity, you get another vision of March: An array pretty little spring flowers in mustard and pink tones. And because I am fully aware of the fact that most personal printers are total shit (seriously, why has printer technology not improved since 1999?) and some people like to hoard their color ink (that shit’s expensive, I get it) I’ve made this one available in color and black and white. You’ll get both files with your “purchase.”

free printable march 2018 calendarAs always, the calendar is free and as you may or may not know by now, the only catch is that you need to “buy” the file from my store before you can download and print it. You don’t have to pay any money or give any credit card info or anything like that. Nope, you just have to plug your information into some little boxes. But I promise I won’t sell your email address, or stalk you, and if you create an account it makes it really easy to download it next time — as well as go back and re-download your previous purchases. Some people plug fake information into those boxes, and while it is slightly annoying, as long as you follow me on Instagram in return, I don’t really give a fuck. But if you do plug in pastorpimp69@hotmail.com, you won’t get the email with your download links or my newsletter (you know — when I finally get my shit together enough to do it in, like, three years). So there.

Get Your Free Printable March 2018 Calendar

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Sippin’ on Gin and Juice… And Cinnamon!

posted in: Cocktails, Other Fun Shit | 0

gin and cinnamon cocktail one bottle cocktail bookI’ve followed Maggie Hoffman’s writing (and editing!) about drinks for years. Somewhat recently, we connected on Instagram, and after months of seeing her upcoming book, The One Bottle Cocktail, teased online, the publisher sent me an early copy (probably thanks to my incessant commenting about wanting to get my hands on one).

This book is such a fucking brilliant idea: Fresh, flavorful cocktails made with just one kind of booze. I already think it’s super weird when there’s more than one type of rum or whiskey in a drink, but beyond that, I think that sometimes us “drinks people” make cocktails more for other drinks people (and, of course, for ourselves) than we do for those of you who might not have a fully-stocked home bar. Mine is ridiculous with its 20-something brands of whiskey, every flavor of liqueur you can imagine, probably 17 types of bitters, and weird shit I’m not even confident I can pronounce. I try to make my drinks accessible to the average person, but I like to get creative with all those bottles I’ve collected, so sometimes I go a little overboard. As my sister said about one of my creations, “It reminds me of something I drank back when I could afford fancy drinks.” I was totally flattered until she pointed out to me that most people aren’t going to go out and buy a $45 bottle of liqueur for one recipe — even if it does taste like you bottled the feeling of putting on booties and a cute cardigan for the first time all season.

Anyway, in addition to being brilliant, The One Bottle Cocktail is so gorgeous it almost makes me want to do another cookbook project. (Oh. Did you not know I wrote a cookbook before cookbooks were this cool and beautiful, and before I could take pretty pictures? And now it’s a super-bargain book on Amazon, LOLOLZ. I was also the ghostwriter for a self-help book about how to get a ring on it real quick, LOLOLOLOLOLZ). Except writing a book is a lot of fucking work and I don’t even have time to do my dishes or my roots, so that’s not going to happen any time soon. Instead, I’ll just gaze lovingly at this one some more.

The One Bottle Cocktail by Maggie Hoffman, Available March 6, 2018 | Photos: Emily Farris, Festive AF

This is really a perfect book (or gift) for someone with a more minimalist (read: normal) home bar, but that’s not to say the recipes are super simple or quick fixes or anything like that. In fact, most require a little work (usually in the form of a homemade flavored syrup) or a surprising ingredient (greek yogurt, mango chutney, even Honey Nut Cheerios). And that’s kind of the point — and the subtitle: “More than 80 recipes with fresh ingredients and a single spirit.” With those unique touches, you get the flavor and feel of a fancy bar cocktail without spending $90 on bottles that are just going to collect dust on a shelf for the next 10 years. The reason it works so well is that the recipes actually are fancy bar cocktails from bartenders all over the country.

For the drink I made yesterday, Police and Thieves from Frank Cisneros, the homemade ingredient was a cinnamon syrup (which made my house smell like fucking Christmas) and three kinds of fresh-squeezed juice: lime, grapefruit, and pineapple. I never would have paired all three of those citrus fruits with cinnamon, and then definitely not with gin, but it just worked so damn well.

Here’s what Maggie has to say about it:

“Frank Cisneros says this is probably the most popular cocktail he’s ever made; it was on the menu at Gin Palace in New York’s East Village for years. Upon first taste, you’ll see why it was such a crowd-pleaser. It’s a sunny, warming drink, thanks to pineapple’s heady tropical flavor and a spicy cinnamon simple syrup, all perked up with grapefruit, lime, and piney gin.”

For the pineapple juice, Maggie suggests muddling fresh pineapple through a fine-mesh strainer. I did that but I used canned pineapple instead (my knife skills are less than stellar and I avoid cutting into big, hard things as much as possible because I want to keep all of my fingers). Other than that, I stuck to the recipe exactly, though my cinnamon sticks were a little squatty, so I used six instead of five. Oh, and I used stemless coupe glasses because I like to be difficult. It also didn’t call for a garnish, but I adorn my shit, okay?

I’m going to assume you want this book, and since I want you to buy it, too, here’s the Amazon link. But I’d rather you buy it from an independent bookstore, like this one, where I used to work! (And no, neither of those are affiliate links, I’m bad at business, you know that.) It’s available on March 6, but you can pre-order now. In the meantime, here’s a little something to wet your whistle.

Police and Thieves

INGREDIENTS:

2 ounces gin
½ ounce cinnamon syrup
½ ounce fresh pineapple juice
½ ounce fresh lime juice
¼ ounce fresh grapefruit juice

DIRECTIONS:

Combine gin, cinnamon syrup, pineapple juice, lime juice, and grapefruit juice in a cocktail shaker [or a wide-mouth mason jar!] and fill with ice. Shake until well chilled, about 12 seconds. Double-strain into a chilled coupe glass.

To make the cinnamon syrup, combine 1 cup water and 1 cup sugar in a small saucepan and warm over medium heat, stirring until sugar is dissolved. Break up five [or six!] cinnamon sticks and add to the syrup, then increase heat to medium-high and bring to a boil, stirring occasionally. Remove from heat and let sit, covered, for 1 to 2 hours. Strain through a fine-mesh strainer set over a resealable container. Refrigerate for up to 1 week.

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Galentine’s Pink Drink

galentines-pink-drink-cocktailMy husband and I don’t really do Valentine’s Day. I mean, he’ll make dinner and we’ll drink wine, but that happens a few nights a week already, anyway. He got me flowers once, but they gave me a horrible headache and I had to throw them out after two days and I felt really bad about it.

As it’s intended, Valentine’s Day just feels kind of gross. I mean, if you feel the need to go all out on a holiday that exists just so you’ll buy overpriced prix-fixe dinners and clichéd roses, you may very well be a shitty partner the rest of the year. Still, even my jaded ass has to admit Valentine’s Day can be fun! You can make cards! (I’ve been making sticker Valentines with my two-year-old for weeks.) And eat candy! And if it gives you an excuse to get crafty, or tell your besties how much you fucking love them, then it can’t be all that bad, right? Right! So if you’re planning to get together with your best gal pals, you’re gonna need to make this Galentine’s Pink Drink — that doesn’t actually taste like a shitty pink drink because it’s made with whiskey, grapefruit, and bitters. 

Of course, if you’re planing a bangin’ night in with your bae on February 14, let’s pretend for a minute that supposed culinary aphrodisiacs like ginger actually do something and that the two applications of ginger in here — both ginger beer and ginger liqueur (I used Barrow’s Intense) — will get you in the mood.

Galentine’s Pink Drink

INGREDIENTS

2 ounces whiskey
1 ounce ruby red grapefruit juice
½ ounce ginger liqueur
6 dashes Angostura Bitters
Ginger beer

DIRECTIONS

Add the whiskey, grapefruit juice, ginger liqueur, and bitters to a double rocks, Collins or stemless wine glass. Stir and add a handful of ice. Top it off with cold ginger beer, stir, and enjoy! 

NOTE: When buying ginger beer, be sure to get a good one, like Gosling’s, Fentiman’s, Reed’s or Cock’n Bull, and definitely don’t try to substitute ginger ale — unless you want your drink to taste like some, sad watered-down version of love.

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Free Digital Download: February 2018 Calendar

Free Printable February 2018 Calendar Valentine's Day Design HeartsWelp, January is almost over and I still have shit on my to-do list from November, so I can’t say this year is off the most productive start. But a new month always makes me feel like I get a little reboot, even if it also has me freaking the fuck out because summer will be here before you know it and then Halloween and then Thanksgiving and then Christmas and where the hell has this year gone?! Or is that just me? Maybe you just have a bunch of romantic dates and spa treatments you need to keep track of this month. Well la-de-da. No, really; I’m happy for you. In fact, I’m trying to help with whatever you need to schedule. That’s why I’m so selflessly and lovingly gifting you a free printable February 2018 calendar.

This month’s calendar design features funky little hearts and I’m trying to get better about putting more holidays on there, being that I’m festive as fuck and all. I’ve got Valentine’s Day (DUH), Mardi Gras, and President’s Day. But where does one draw the line with holidays? I decided against the religious stuff (though I know Lent is no small thing to many people), but did note the date that Missouri celebrates Rosa Parks Day since I live in Missouri. So there’s that.

As always, the calendar is free and as you may or may not know by now, the only catch is that you need to “buy” the file from my store before you can download and print it. You don’t have to pay any money or give any credit card info or anything like that. Nope, you just have to bee boo bop some information into some little boxes. But I promise I won’t sell your email address, or stalk you (maybe just creep your IG a little) and I think if you create an account it makes it really easy to download it next time — as well as go back and re-download your previous purchases. Some people plug fake information into those boxes, and while it is slightly annoying, as long as you, say, follow me on Instagram in return, I don’t really give a fuck. But if you pretend to be creoleladymarmalade@aol.com, when I finally get my shit together enough to get a newsletter, that’s too bad for you because I’m probably gonna be handing out gifts like Oprah by then.

Of course, if you really feel you must pay for something, now is the absolute most perfect time to get an “I fucking love you” greeting card, since I just restocked them for Valentine’s Day.

i fucking love you greeting card

Get Your Free Printable February 2018 Calendar

And, really, don’t forget to follow me on Instagram. Honor system. Don’t be a dick.

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