A Fancy-Ass Gin Martini

posted in: Cocktails | 3

gibson martini on the rocksI’m one of those assholes who responds to an email seven months later with, “SO sorry for the late reply!” And this post is my blog version of that email. Sometime last fall, Tom’s Town, a new-ish Kansas City distillery with an old soul, gave me a bottle of their McElroy’s Corruption Gin to play around with. While I may still “play,” I was excited to finally bust it out this week for my all-time favorite martini. It’s something I used to make with regularity, but everything in the fall and winter was so fucking festive, I haven’t had much of an opportunity to make a damn good drink just for the sake of making a damn good drink. But when I want a damn good drink that’s not whiskey, I always turn to a Gibson martini on the rocks.

gibson martini on the rocksTraditionally, a Gibson is made with gin and dry vermouth, and is stirred, not shaken. In fact, the only thing that really differentiates a Gibson from the original is that it’s garnished with a cocktail onion instead of a lemon twist. It’s also usually served in a coupe or cocktail glass. I do love coupes, but stemmed martini glasses are the Devil’s spawn and I really like drinks that go “clink!” So, I take this Gibson martini on the rocks — rather, one big rock. And because I give zero fucks about rules, it also gets a few aggressive dashes of orange bitters. To really throw you off, it calls for equal parts gin and vermouth, and I usually end up eating about nine to 13 onions per drink consumed.

While I call this “my” all-time favorite martini recipe, it’s not really my recipe. My friend Beau Williams of Julep Cocktail Club introduced me to this method for making a gin martini, and I haven’t looked back since. In fact, I probably (no, I know) I annoy bartenders when I’m like, “I’ll have a Gibson, but on the rocks, half gin, half vermouth, lots of orange bitters, and all the cocktail onions.”

gibson martini on the rocksIf you didn’t already know, vermouth-soaked cocktail onions are God’s greatest gift to drinks and I am to cocktail onions what Ron Swanson is to protein. Just give me all the cocktail onions you have. Wait. I’m worried what you just heard was give me a lot of cocktail onions. What I said was, ‘Give me all the cocktail onions you have.’ Half the time, bars don’t even have them and then I’m forced to yell a stream of obscenities while overturning tables (joking; that’s when I order a whiskey soda).

Hell, I know I’ve even annoyed bartenders at Beau’s bar with my order. But whatever, I’m a woman who knows what I want.

50/50 Gibson Martini


½ ounces gin
½ ounces dry vermouth
3 to 4 dashes orange bitters
3 to 75 cocktail onions


Add the gin, vermouth, and bitters to an old-fashioned glass. Stir well, add one large ice cube (or a small handful of ice), stir a little more, then garnish with as many fucking vermouth-soaked cocktail onions as you can fit on a pick. Enjoy.

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Creamy Bourbon (Coconut) Milk Punch

posted in: Cocktails | 0

bourbon coconut milk punch recipeI have a confession to make. It’s not even anything bad or shameful. In fact, it’s not embarrassing in the least (not for me, anyway). It’s just shitty. Except I hate saying it out loud (er, on blog?) because that means it’s true and the truth is sad. Guys, I’m lactose intolerant. I realized it at some point in my early 20s — and who knows? Maybe that’s when my body decided it had no place for dairy. Anyway, it’s a real fucking bummer because I love soft cheeses and creamy French sauces and the ice cream flavors nobody else ever wants, like vanilla and pistachio and black charcoal when I’m feeling kinda weird. Of course, sometimes I just eat (or drink) whatever the fuck I want and deal with the consequences later (but not too much later). Other times, I remember that I can use alternative milks, which sometimes work out just as well, if not better than, the original. Case in point: This Bourbon Coconut Milk Punch.

Bourbon Milk Punch is a whole thing in New Orleans, and like most classic, beloved cocktails, everyone seems to have their own way to make it. The variations I’ve seen involve different ratios of milk to bourbon, a little rum here or there, and sugar versus simple syrup. My way — swapping canned coconut milk for cow’s milk and also adding a little cinnamon — is probably blasphemous, but you know what? Sometimes blasphemy is better than shitting your brains out.

This drink is perfectly creamy, but it won’t upset your stomach. It’s also not too sweet, and I’m not even afraid to make it ahead and keep it in the fridge for a minute. Just be sure to use straight coconut milk, the kind from the can. And before you start mixing the drink, the milk in the can needs to be fully mixed. That’s because unless it’s been stored in a warm place, it separates with the fat rising to the top. So be sure to shake or stir it really well (but probably both) to ensure it’s smooth and creamy before you start putting together your Bourbon Coconut Milk Punch.

Bourbon Coconut Milk Punch


2 ounces bourbon
3 ounces full-fat coconut milk (from the can, yo!)
1 tablespoon simple syrup
1 teaspoon good vanilla extract
Hefty pinch ground cinnamon
Dainty pinch freshly-grated nutmeg


Add all of the ingredients to a cocktail shaker or wide-mouth mason jar with a handful of ice. Shake the shit out of it, then strain into whatever pretty little cocktail glass your dear heart desires.

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Paper Crafts + Boozy Drafts: February 1 at Boulevard Brewing Company

craft event kansas cityGet your glue sticks ready (actually don’t, I have plenty) for my next craft event in Kansas City. Paper Crafts + Boozy Drafts (the hoppy, malty version of Crafts + Cocktails) is coming back to Boulevard Brewing Company‘s new Tours & Rec Center on Thursday, February 1. And if you can’t tell from the picture, this time we’re making Valentine’s Day cards! Once again, I’ll come up with a boozy beer cocktail you can enjoy while cutting and pasting the old-school way.

The ticket price — a mere $25 — includes all the paper hearts and pink sparkly washi tape your lovely little hands can handle, a beer cocktail (developed by yours truly, of course), and an additional beer. Perhaps the best part? Well, not the best part, but a damn fine bonus: If you’re as bad at mailing shit as I am, you’ll be glad to know that (just like last time) Boulevard will MAIL YOUR CARDS FOR YOU. Isn’t that amazing? Just be sure to bring your old-school address book, or you know, text people while you’re there. And, seriously, I’ll have ALL the good card-making supplies. All of them. If you have any requests, though, leave them in the comments.

If you’re in Kansas City, I really hope you’ll join me for this super fun craft and cocktail event!

February 1 Paper Crafts + Boozy Drafts Tickets

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Free Digital Download: Shit To Do List

posted in: Calendars, Other Fun Shit | 2

Free Printable To-Do ListNever has anyone procrastinated more than I have. Okay, maybe there’s been, like, three people, ever, who’ve reached my level of peak procrastination, and I’m sure they’re all writers, too. In addition to being a master procrastinator, I have about 17 jobs and probably also ADHD. So keeping a to-do list is imperative to me barely functioning as a person in this world.

Seriously, without my list full of red bold and underlines and 18-point font for REALLY, REALLY RIDICULOUSLY IMPORTANT SHIT, everyone I’ve ever worked with would be way more annoyed with me than they already are. Still, every once in a while, I worry my system isn’t good enough and try some fancy app or service with reminders and sub-categories and inevitably I miss something tucked in a category or bullet of a bullet.

So far for me, a single list with all my to-dos in one place is the absolute best way for me to keep track of my myriad tasks. Plus, there’s just something so fucking satisfying about crossing an item off of a list. Because I have a bajillion things to do and work on multiple devices, I keep my running list in a Google doc and use strikethrough, but when I’m determined to have a really productive day (or at least a few hours) I always make a paper list of that day’s priorities. That magic little day list is what inspired this free printable Shit To Do list. And if you’re a seemingly normal person with a reasonable amount of things you tend to put off completing, it may even be able to serve as your primary to-do list.

Free Printable To-Do ListThis list features three categories:

  • Just fucking get this done already.
  • Ugh. Do I have to?
  • This shit can probably wait.

I set it up to print two lists on letter-size paper, so you can print one page, cut it in half, and voila!

As with all of my printables thus far, this Shit To Do list is free, and as you may or may not know by now, the only catch is that you need to “buy” the digital file from my store. You don’t have to pay any money or give any credit card info or anything like that. You just have to plug some information into some boxes. But I promise I won’t sell your email address, or stalk you (unless you’re really super fucking cool), and I think if you create an account it makes it really easy to download it next time. The only other thing I ask in return is that you follow me on Instagram. I hear my feed is pretty entertaining, and my stories even more so (though my whole new-shitty-glasses saga recently wasn’t very exciting).

Get Your Free Printable Shit To Do List

And, really, don’t forget to follow me on Instagram. We’re on the honor system here. Don’t be a dick.

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Extra Boozy, Super Unhealthy Hot Buttered Bourbon

posted in: Uncategorized | 0

You’ve heard of hot buttered rum, but have you heard of hot buttered bourbon? Yeah, neither had I until I just decided to fucking make it a few years ago. At the time, it was because I was all, “Ew! Rum!” and I’m still not totally on the rum train yet — which I fully admit at this point is more ignorance than dislike, because I know there are some amazing rums out there.

Anyway, this is exactly what you need to be drinking on a brutally cold day — as long as you don’t mind a drink with a bajillion calories. It also makes exactly enough to fit in a pint-size mason jar if you feel like taking it on the go.

While this serves two, there are still some weird measurements in there, like four teaspoons of brown sugar. But a tablespoon (three teaspoons) wasn’t quite enough, so deal with it. Also, six ounces of bourbon may seem like a lot, even for two people, since a standard serving of base booze in a drink is usually two ounces. And it is a lot of bourbon — whew! I surprised myself when I tasted this (as I mentioned, I first made it a few years ago) and thought maybe I should have started with four ounces and gone from there. But I was using Maker’s 46, which is a bold bourbon, and once everything settled for a few minutes, it made more sense in my mouth. That said, feel free to start with four ounces of bourbon and build from there if you’re worried about getting wasted on a weird-ass warm drink made with butter.

Hot Buttered Bourbon


4 tablespoons unsalted butter
6 ounces water
1 teaspoon good vanilla extract
4 teaspoons brown sugar
½ teaspoon ground cinnamon
Pinch sea salt
6 ounces bourbon
2 cinnamon sticks for garnish


In a small saucepan over medium heat, melt the butter with the water, vanilla extract, brown sugar, cinnamon, and salt. Whisk together until well incorporated, then reduce the heat to a simmer. Add the bourbon into the pan, mix well, remove from the heat once it’s hot enough (you don’t want it to get too hot and cook out all the booze), and divide between two mugs. Garnish each with a cinnamon stick and enjoy immediately.

hot buttered bourbon recipeLike what you see? Follow me on Instagram!

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